CISPA... a real piece of shit!

The United States House of Representatives voted last Thursday to pass a piece of legislation called the Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act, or CISPA. The controversial bill now sits in the hands of the Senate and faces further modifications if it hopes to gain approval from the White House, which has already gone on record with a veto threat. Legions of Internet users expressed outrage when the bill was passed, and numerous protests are being staged. According to President Obama’s office, the bill would allow “broad sharing of information with governmental entities without establishing requirements for both industry and the government to minimize and protect personally identifiable information,” but what exactly is CISPA? Greg Vokes of Paralegal.net sought to make the answer as easy to digest as possible, and the result is a terrific infographic titled “WTF is CISPA?” that can be viewed below in its entirety.

WTF is CISPA- BGR

How to shit at work

How to Shit at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK SHIT is inevitable. For those who hate shitting at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in and check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a shit in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a shit, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the shit hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITER
A colleague who shits at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Shitter before entering the bathroom.

THE SHITING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Shitters, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a shitter of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a shit at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

SHIRLEY TEMPLE A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
shitter can shit in peace.

WATERMELON
A shit that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA-OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

AUNT BETTY
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever... Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to shit when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

SOME VARIETIES OF SHIT YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
The King Shit: This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit: You shit so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit): Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Shit: The kind of shit that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler: The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Shiter: The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

2012 The State Of The Hulk

To Whom it May Concern,

I would just like to let everyone know that there are many crazy stories to come this year.. as i write this letter i have officially taken my first hulk at work for 2012.. this year may shape up to bring quite a few interesting stories.. some you may laugh at.. others you will shake your head at.. while some may leave you mashing your teeth and clawing at your eyes.. The end of 2011 was filled with many memorable events and i plan on getting those out soon (at least 2 posts a month) to clear up the chute for more fun!


Thank you for reading!
Hulk Master

Poker Face

Urban dictionary defines a poker face as : A face on a person that shows no emotion, often called poker face because in the game of poker it would be foolish to show any emotional traits that might screw the game for you.

Now i know what you are asking yourself.. what does this have to do with log dropping? Well i plan to regale you with a tale of when poker facing took on a new meaning.. and NO i don't mean a Lady GaGa song... although in hindsight it would be pretty funny to hear that playing as this dramatic colon cleansing was happening... But i digress.

This is a story that im sure everyone has had happen to them.. hell you may even do it yourself unknowingly.. this story is more of an education piece so you can spot a poker face happening and then deal with the matter properly.

Here is how it will happen... and it is usually always the same.. you walk into a dookie depot and someone has visited ahead of you and they are in the process of ass blasting the torlet as they hear the creaking of the door they panic and clench their cheeks and hold back the rushing torrent of scat.. you may hear a slight grunt of pain as stopping such a thing is not always easy.. and then the person will hold it until you leave.. the only problem with this... is when you enter the stall next to them.. im not sure why people go to the bathroom and actually are ashamed to purify their rectum.. i celebrate the event.. but not these people... oh no.. they will then try as hard as they can to not let a single nugget of filthy goodness pass out of their stink chute.

Now you may be wondering how they can hold it for so long.. and here is the kicker.. if someone comes in and flushes the urinal (sorry ladies) or wash their hands in the sink they will try to unleash the beast in that short amount of time.. or just release the pressure from the reactor as it were.. usually its just a pressure release so they can reinforce the defenses on the task at hand poker facing the deuce.

Some may go as far as completing the deed and waiting till no one else is in the bathroom before emerging from the stall..now on to the story since you now have some background on what is happening when people are camping out in the crapper..

At a previous job we had a very small 2 stall creepy buffalo bill ala silence of the lambs bathroom the walls were tile and they looked like they had been stolen from a myan temple long ago and reused.. everything just looked like it was covered in moss... there was a strange round communal sink where you had to step on a foot bar to get water to work.. there was no hot or cold setting.. this bathroom my friends was ghetto...

The one saving grace of this bathroom was the colorful writing on the bathroom stalls.. it truly gave you the feeling of a truck stop shitter without angry bubba waiting outside the door waiting to pinch a loaf and grunting in agony as he waited for the sackless guy who was too afraid to pony up to the communal urinals that lined the walls while two sweaty dirty men took up 3 spaces each while pissing in one urinal.. but i digress...

So back to the story.. i walk into the bathroom to drain my heavenly nectar into the awaiting piss receptical and i notice that someone is int he stall.. but are they doing work? no its silent.. so using the information from above i recognize the situation and i grin to myself.. this sho am gun be good i say to myself.. so i finish my business and wash my hands at that gawd awful contraption they called a sink but here is where i pull a major power play in the poker face shitter game.. i open the door and let it close but i dont walk out i let the door close and stand there without making a noise so the person in the stall thinks all is a go for blast off.. as soon as the person lets out a sigh of relief and continues his business i quickly run over to the stall door and kick it like i am the FBI about to raid someones house.. the guy must have been scared half to death cause alls i hear from the stall is WHAT IN HOLY HELL i then yell HAHAHA GOT YA! on the way out of the bathroom i turn out the lights and then throw a few wet paper towel balls at him as the pitch blackness envelopes him.


That my friends is how you deal with a poker face.

Rage Shitter

As i sit in the usual handicapped stall with my legs spread free enjoying a well deserved hulk.. the door to the bathroom slams open. In that instant i could feel the anger eminating from the person who had entered this sanctuary of shitting.. the calm serenity was shattered.

The man grumbled as he slammed the door to the adjacent stall and began to curse as he seemed to be wiping the seat with toilet paper and ripping an ass gasket from the pack on the wall.. i sat frozen daring not to breath or drop another log for fear it may escalate this situation to a level i was not prepared to endure with my pants around my ankles.

As the entity of pure anger sat feet away from me.. angrily releasing his bodily waste into the toilet.. half grunting half swearing and muttering curses in tongues that this earth has not heard in hundreds of thousands of years I tried to think of a game plan.. some sort of exit strategy to escape this soon to be violent encounter.. Although i am quite skilled in battle and warfare this was different.. this would be a fight for my life that i was not mentally prepared to deal with.

Luckily for me it did not come to that.. as fast as the encounter started it went just as quick.. the man had managed to angrily force copious amounts of shit from his body in a demonically fast time.. i heard the noise of sheets upon sheets of paper being removed from the dispenser and the furious rubbing trying to remove layer upon layer of skin.. why would someone hate themselfs so much to want to abuse their body in such a way...but it hit me.. this was a rage shitter... and it was not something i wanted to toy with..

The toilet flushed as the man cursed more as he violently washed his hands and left the bathroom.. the tranquility slowly returned to this shitting haven but the foul angry putrid smell of his shit had not...

I walk away from this encounter learning a few things.. rage and shitting is not healthy.. nor is attacking your vulnerable rectal area with large wads of toilet paper causing friction to spread wild fires on your anal hair region due to its not so soft qualities.

Cavemen?

A thick white fog encased me.. in the distance i could hear the chatter and chirping of prehistoric insects something didn't feel right... i hear the roar of a tyrannosaurus rex i dart my head around but all i see is white.. then a cave man lets out a guttural moan as he charges towards me...as the hairy behemoth lunges for me i jolt back into reality.


A bead of cold sweat rolls down my forehead...My vision clears as i see the all familiar baby snot green walls of the bathroom stall..something just inst right though.. then i hear it.. the guttural grunting of a wounded animal..Apparently the person next to me either consumed a years worth of cheese in a short time.. or they were in labor.. i could hear the person whispering to himself in between the attempted forced ejection of rectal waste.. To this day i am not sure if the man was speaking in tongues or just praying to himself begging for forgiveness for what he was about to unleash into the world.. but i know one thing.. i was not prepared for what was about to take place.


I heard one more long grunt that sounded like someone trying to lift a grand piano by themselves and move it a few feet to only find it had wheels the whole time.. it sounded like triumph..the plop that hit the water sounded like someone throwing a large black plastic trash bag full of cottage cheese into a tub of tepid water... sure a normal person hearing that would assume the worst was over.. but no no my friend..the worst was yet to come.. there was an stillness in the air.. sort of like the calm before the storm... then the clouds rolled in.. the man muttered under his breath.. and then it happened.. it from my front row seat to this freak show i can only describe it as someone unplugging a fire hydrant.. the torrent of liquid that escaped this poor souls sphincter could break the hoover dam.. the smell that proceeded this event will forever scar my nasal tissue..my eyes watered i fought for every breath.. if you have ever been sprayed with pepper spray.. you will know what i mean.. but this was not pepper spray this was a shit demon at its best..

There was nothing more that i wanted than sweet escape to distance myself from the possession that was happening feet away from me.. but i could not move.. i was transfixed like gazing into a vipers eyes.. my mind screamed get out of there move.. do it now.. but my body would no respond...the voodoo magic that this mans anus wove had frozen me in place...i have never felt so helpless..

Then without warning it was over.. i was shocked.. and appalled the torrent of liquid stopped.. i waited.. i didn't hear the familiar rip of toilet paper.. i just heard the jingling of a belt and the stall door unlock as a flush was granted my poor mortal soul.. i was bewildered.. surely after such an anal escapade half a roll of toilet paper was needed to purify the rectal region.. but no.. the door to the stall swung open.. the person emerged.. he said nay nay to washing his hands and exited the bathroom...

To this day i lay awake at night wondering how this could be possible.. what type of creature would do such a thing and not clean up after themselves.. or wash their hands.. it was enough o give myself a phobia for touching anything in the building.. i waited till someone else walked onto the bathroom as i darted for the door limbo sliding out like a man with a spinal injury.. daring not to touch anything for fear of contamination.. i made my way back to my desk to recount this story to others around me... so read this as a warning.. there are things out in this world that we do not know about.. was it a caveman? did this prehistoric creature somehow survive all this time just to infect others? i do not know.. but consider yourself warned!

I wake up in the morning, put my foot to the floor, make a fifty-yard dash to the bathroom door.

Some people think it's funny, but it's really dark and runny.

It needn't cause you pain, you just sit and let it drain.

It's painful as it issues, from those hot and burning tissues.

It's stinky, brown and smelly, as it chugs out of your belly.

It's made of corn and beans, and it comes in shades of greens.

If you're climbing up a ladder, and you feel something splatter.

Hulkamania!