How to Shit at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK SHIT is inevitable. For those who hate shitting at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in and check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a shit in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a shit, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the shit hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITER
A colleague who shits at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Shitter before entering the bathroom.
THE SHITING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Shitters, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a shitter of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a shit at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
SHIRLEY TEMPLE A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
shitter can shit in peace.
WATERMELON
A shit that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA-OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
AUNT BETTY
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever... Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to shit when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!
SOME VARIETIES OF SHIT YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
The King Shit: This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Shit: You shit so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit): Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Shit: The kind of shit that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
The Crippler: The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Shiter: The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
