Poker Face

Urban dictionary defines a poker face as : A face on a person that shows no emotion, often called poker face because in the game of poker it would be foolish to show any emotional traits that might screw the game for you.

Now i know what you are asking yourself.. what does this have to do with log dropping? Well i plan to regale you with a tale of when poker facing took on a new meaning.. and NO i don't mean a Lady GaGa song... although in hindsight it would be pretty funny to hear that playing as this dramatic colon cleansing was happening... But i digress.

This is a story that im sure everyone has had happen to them.. hell you may even do it yourself unknowingly.. this story is more of an education piece so you can spot a poker face happening and then deal with the matter properly.

Here is how it will happen... and it is usually always the same.. you walk into a dookie depot and someone has visited ahead of you and they are in the process of ass blasting the torlet as they hear the creaking of the door they panic and clench their cheeks and hold back the rushing torrent of scat.. you may hear a slight grunt of pain as stopping such a thing is not always easy.. and then the person will hold it until you leave.. the only problem with this... is when you enter the stall next to them.. im not sure why people go to the bathroom and actually are ashamed to purify their rectum.. i celebrate the event.. but not these people... oh no.. they will then try as hard as they can to not let a single nugget of filthy goodness pass out of their stink chute.

Now you may be wondering how they can hold it for so long.. and here is the kicker.. if someone comes in and flushes the urinal (sorry ladies) or wash their hands in the sink they will try to unleash the beast in that short amount of time.. or just release the pressure from the reactor as it were.. usually its just a pressure release so they can reinforce the defenses on the task at hand poker facing the deuce.

Some may go as far as completing the deed and waiting till no one else is in the bathroom before emerging from the stall..now on to the story since you now have some background on what is happening when people are camping out in the crapper..

At a previous job we had a very small 2 stall creepy buffalo bill ala silence of the lambs bathroom the walls were tile and they looked like they had been stolen from a myan temple long ago and reused.. everything just looked like it was covered in moss... there was a strange round communal sink where you had to step on a foot bar to get water to work.. there was no hot or cold setting.. this bathroom my friends was ghetto...

The one saving grace of this bathroom was the colorful writing on the bathroom stalls.. it truly gave you the feeling of a truck stop shitter without angry bubba waiting outside the door waiting to pinch a loaf and grunting in agony as he waited for the sackless guy who was too afraid to pony up to the communal urinals that lined the walls while two sweaty dirty men took up 3 spaces each while pissing in one urinal.. but i digress...

So back to the story.. i walk into the bathroom to drain my heavenly nectar into the awaiting piss receptical and i notice that someone is int he stall.. but are they doing work? no its silent.. so using the information from above i recognize the situation and i grin to myself.. this sho am gun be good i say to myself.. so i finish my business and wash my hands at that gawd awful contraption they called a sink but here is where i pull a major power play in the poker face shitter game.. i open the door and let it close but i dont walk out i let the door close and stand there without making a noise so the person in the stall thinks all is a go for blast off.. as soon as the person lets out a sigh of relief and continues his business i quickly run over to the stall door and kick it like i am the FBI about to raid someones house.. the guy must have been scared half to death cause alls i hear from the stall is WHAT IN HOLY HELL i then yell HAHAHA GOT YA! on the way out of the bathroom i turn out the lights and then throw a few wet paper towel balls at him as the pitch blackness envelopes him.


That my friends is how you deal with a poker face.

Rage Shitter

As i sit in the usual handicapped stall with my legs spread free enjoying a well deserved hulk.. the door to the bathroom slams open. In that instant i could feel the anger eminating from the person who had entered this sanctuary of shitting.. the calm serenity was shattered.

The man grumbled as he slammed the door to the adjacent stall and began to curse as he seemed to be wiping the seat with toilet paper and ripping an ass gasket from the pack on the wall.. i sat frozen daring not to breath or drop another log for fear it may escalate this situation to a level i was not prepared to endure with my pants around my ankles.

As the entity of pure anger sat feet away from me.. angrily releasing his bodily waste into the toilet.. half grunting half swearing and muttering curses in tongues that this earth has not heard in hundreds of thousands of years I tried to think of a game plan.. some sort of exit strategy to escape this soon to be violent encounter.. Although i am quite skilled in battle and warfare this was different.. this would be a fight for my life that i was not mentally prepared to deal with.

Luckily for me it did not come to that.. as fast as the encounter started it went just as quick.. the man had managed to angrily force copious amounts of shit from his body in a demonically fast time.. i heard the noise of sheets upon sheets of paper being removed from the dispenser and the furious rubbing trying to remove layer upon layer of skin.. why would someone hate themselfs so much to want to abuse their body in such a way...but it hit me.. this was a rage shitter... and it was not something i wanted to toy with..

The toilet flushed as the man cursed more as he violently washed his hands and left the bathroom.. the tranquility slowly returned to this shitting haven but the foul angry putrid smell of his shit had not...

I walk away from this encounter learning a few things.. rage and shitting is not healthy.. nor is attacking your vulnerable rectal area with large wads of toilet paper causing friction to spread wild fires on your anal hair region due to its not so soft qualities.

Cavemen?

A thick white fog encased me.. in the distance i could hear the chatter and chirping of prehistoric insects something didn't feel right... i hear the roar of a tyrannosaurus rex i dart my head around but all i see is white.. then a cave man lets out a guttural moan as he charges towards me...as the hairy behemoth lunges for me i jolt back into reality.


A bead of cold sweat rolls down my forehead...My vision clears as i see the all familiar baby snot green walls of the bathroom stall..something just inst right though.. then i hear it.. the guttural grunting of a wounded animal..Apparently the person next to me either consumed a years worth of cheese in a short time.. or they were in labor.. i could hear the person whispering to himself in between the attempted forced ejection of rectal waste.. To this day i am not sure if the man was speaking in tongues or just praying to himself begging for forgiveness for what he was about to unleash into the world.. but i know one thing.. i was not prepared for what was about to take place.


I heard one more long grunt that sounded like someone trying to lift a grand piano by themselves and move it a few feet to only find it had wheels the whole time.. it sounded like triumph..the plop that hit the water sounded like someone throwing a large black plastic trash bag full of cottage cheese into a tub of tepid water... sure a normal person hearing that would assume the worst was over.. but no no my friend..the worst was yet to come.. there was an stillness in the air.. sort of like the calm before the storm... then the clouds rolled in.. the man muttered under his breath.. and then it happened.. it from my front row seat to this freak show i can only describe it as someone unplugging a fire hydrant.. the torrent of liquid that escaped this poor souls sphincter could break the hoover dam.. the smell that proceeded this event will forever scar my nasal tissue..my eyes watered i fought for every breath.. if you have ever been sprayed with pepper spray.. you will know what i mean.. but this was not pepper spray this was a shit demon at its best..

There was nothing more that i wanted than sweet escape to distance myself from the possession that was happening feet away from me.. but i could not move.. i was transfixed like gazing into a vipers eyes.. my mind screamed get out of there move.. do it now.. but my body would no respond...the voodoo magic that this mans anus wove had frozen me in place...i have never felt so helpless..

Then without warning it was over.. i was shocked.. and appalled the torrent of liquid stopped.. i waited.. i didn't hear the familiar rip of toilet paper.. i just heard the jingling of a belt and the stall door unlock as a flush was granted my poor mortal soul.. i was bewildered.. surely after such an anal escapade half a roll of toilet paper was needed to purify the rectal region.. but no.. the door to the stall swung open.. the person emerged.. he said nay nay to washing his hands and exited the bathroom...

To this day i lay awake at night wondering how this could be possible.. what type of creature would do such a thing and not clean up after themselves.. or wash their hands.. it was enough o give myself a phobia for touching anything in the building.. i waited till someone else walked onto the bathroom as i darted for the door limbo sliding out like a man with a spinal injury.. daring not to touch anything for fear of contamination.. i made my way back to my desk to recount this story to others around me... so read this as a warning.. there are things out in this world that we do not know about.. was it a caveman? did this prehistoric creature somehow survive all this time just to infect others? i do not know.. but consider yourself warned!

I wake up in the morning, put my foot to the floor, make a fifty-yard dash to the bathroom door.

Some people think it's funny, but it's really dark and runny.

It needn't cause you pain, you just sit and let it drain.

It's painful as it issues, from those hot and burning tissues.

It's stinky, brown and smelly, as it chugs out of your belly.

It's made of corn and beans, and it comes in shades of greens.

If you're climbing up a ladder, and you feel something splatter.

Hulkamania!

The Darkness

I am going to tell a story.. of something that has changed my life forever.. it was a day like any other. I had the urge to loose my bowels so i took a trip to the bathroom area near my section.. everything seemed a little off that day.. i opened the door to the bathroom but it was quiet as i stepped foot into the bathroom.....almost eerily quiet i didn't think much of it at the time because i had a hulk brewing in my lower colon area that could kill a small population of rodents or a large population of roaches.. i open the door to the handicapped stall.. cause well.. who doesn't like the extra leg room where you can spread out and relax while expending the waste of previous meals that have passed through your gullet.

To my shock and horror it looked as if someone had taken a high speed fan and placed it on the ground and proceeded to shit into the blades splattering fecal matter all over the toilet.. the porcelain looked as if it had freckles.. i quickly turned away from the train wreck that was this shit storm and decided to make due with the slightly cramping claustrophobic stall next door... its like comparing a Cadillac and a Pinto as far as accommodations amenities and leg room.. but any port in a storm.. that's what my third grade gym teacher said... or did he say "Do it Faggot!" but i digress...

Nothing could prepare me for what i was about to witness.. the door creaked open slowly and then i saw it.. the black hole.. the essence of pure evil.. i swear i saw a specter of a shit demon escape from its porcelain prison...it was... The Darkness... light could not penetrate it.. to look directly at it was a death warrant waiting to be signed.. pure evil was manifested out of a lowly mortals waste chute.. I must admit.. i was shocked.. i was scared.. but down in a guttural part of my brain i was fascinated.. i had forgotten why i had strolled into the bathroom on that faithful day.. i knew i needed to take action.. i quickly rushed back to alert my co worker of the experience i had just witnessed..

I must say the tale sounds unreal.. unnatural hard to believe so i was not shocked when he said he had to see it for himself.. we both took the trip together.. the eerie silence was still there.. the next thing i noticed..this being my second trip was the lack of odor....a sane person would think that pure evil would have a smell that would dull the mind and send people screaming into the night rending flesh from their bones while laughing like a lunatic. But that was not present.. it was calm and tranquil.. my buddy took one look at it and said "I have to get a picture of this.."

He returned shortly after with his Digital SLR and a tripod i had to laugh.. no one had come in but what would they think seeing two guys taking a picture of the devils afterbirth in a toilet? Honestly i could not care about what people would think.. it had to be documented.. after the picture was taken after further examination it was confirmed that the stuff from inside this porcelain prison was in fact natural.. it was not ink as i had first expected.. i could see the tell tail signs of bean skins..

I can tell you that sometimes my dreams are haunted by this sight.. i will attach a picture for your viewing.. but it is not for the feint of heart.. it should not be taken lightly either.. nor should this picture be viewed anywhere near the witching hour.. (around 3:00 am) as i am not sure what dark forces could be unleashed by this action... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

The Arrival

It starts as a slow rumble...you think nothing of it..you and your family are on a car ride maybe going to a picnic or to the zoo the sun is shining birds are singing..not a care in the world to be had..

A few minutes later you feel a larger grumble and you start to feel a little warm...."oh no this cant be happening" you silently think to yourself not now...but the wheels of fate have been set into motion... nothing you can do now will help..you start to feel even warmer a cold sweat break across your brow no one in the car is aware of the peril you are in...

The dreaded carshiticus maximus...... the rumble in your stomach starts to sound like someone pulling a boot out of a muck filled bog your wife looks over and instantly aware that something is wrong...maybe its your white knuckles gripping the steering wheel or the look on your face that reminds her of someone eating a lemon while a cattle prod sears the flesh off of your ass....you speed up weaving in and out of traffic trying to find sanctuary where you can birth the demon that is currently haunting your intestinal tract...but you are on the highway and the next exit isn't for 3 miles...speeding down the highway with reckless abandon you manage to make the exit.. a large gulp erupts from your stomach.. you think you are in the clear.. but oh no like a receding wave the gut wrenching feeling rushes over you with sudden fury.. so much so your eyes well up with tears.. then in the distance you spot it.. the familiar glowing light of salvation a fast food restaurant... you jump the curb and slam the car into park the shocked look of fright on your kids faces as you hop run across the parking lot like a marathon runner with a hamstring cramp trying to damn the flow of noxious vapor and searing hot magma shit pounding at your weakening sphincter muscle you bowl over an elderly woman and dash to the bathroom you start unbuckeling your belt and unzipping your pants as you slam into the mens room door you stumble a bit and almost dont make it...pants around your ankles you lunge to the seat and unleash the fury of 1000 angry gods the vapors spill forth and your legs shake...you have just survived a photo finish...